Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Pondering my “Self Identity”

When I was a young child, I used to ponder the meaning of life to pass the time – this would sometimes involve me laying in the sun, for hours, staring up at the sky, watching the clouds go by. This is apparently where my perchance for deep thoughts come from, borne from a natural tendency and desire to know my world better. When I was a teenager I would gaze at the stars and through that feeling of insignificance I found the mystery of life to be a marvelous topic for my little head. My journey through womanhood has continued to teach me many things, and my fascination is no longer held merely by the meaning of life. Within in the accumulated wisdom of my womanhood I have grown to realize that what is really important to ponder is the meaning of me.

I often permit my friends cognitive meanderings to provide some direction for my own (you can learn amazing amounts about yourself from other peoples suggestions) indulging myself in an inner journey that promotes self discovery…. Considering my inner self is really the only way to really understanding what my self identity is comprised of.

A good friend of mine recently posted about trying to figure out what she wants to do/be when she grows up. Sometimes I vaguely wonder this myself – although the greater part of me realizes that I never want to be trapped into some sort of plan that will inevitably become obsolete and find myself losing interest in 10 years down the road. I like to live each of my days, and not defer any to the future.

I have seen so many people get trapped into these ideas… “I will do x, y and z and in ten years I will have everything I want”. The problem is, as we grow, what we want, and care to want, changes. If you are unable to accept this reality, then your world falls apart with unhappiness and denial becomes mistaken for complacency as we pretend to enact the status quo. As people we have to be flexible enough to be able to adapt our dreams, incorporate new dreams and invite others to share in them without losing ourselves. We have to know ourselves and be prepared to do whatever it takes to be who we want to be, when we want to be it. Without this knowledge of ourselves we lapse into sad little psychosis, hatred and obsessions with other people.

It is self-evident that you cannot be anyone else but yourself. People who pretend otherwise will lose themselves.

I recognize in myself a free spirit – I want to be able to spread my wings at any moment of my choosing and not find myself constrained by someone else. I am often apt to act on impulse and regularly love to dream up new directions for my life as each mood takes me somewhere else in my world. I do find some comfort in knowing where I am going, what my partner desires out of life, what I am prepared to do to achieve both of those, and having short term, even some long term plans/goals to work towards…. but I have long since learnt to leave our options open.

I have been reading the book Duncan got me for Easter – Dropped Threads 2. It is a wonderful book (Thank you Duncan)! I am enjoying the gifts that it is revealing to me…. it is making me think. Each woman shares a story that incites feelings that I recognize and sympathize with… there is power in being a woman, power in standing up for who you are, power in claiming your rightful place in the world. I know who I am, but I also know that I am changing, and I look forward to sharing the person I will be in 10 years with the people who love me now. I will blog more about the book as I read through it.... it is bound to offer much blogging type material.

No comments: