Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Nothing is harder to bring to light than that which is hidden in plain sight...

I didn't realize it at the time, but once upon a time, I fell in love with my best friend, who was at that time, a married man.

I do remember that it felt like my love for him had no beggining, almost as if he was there before I knew him, there before even I knew myself, it seemed. Trying to understand how I felt was like trying to understand a new meaning of forever. Until that moment I had no idea that love could be so beautiful, so rewarding, so simple, so unconditional and yet so very, very complex. Very complex!

He spent a summer by my side, we were inseparable, just doing the things that best friends did… listening to music, talking, riding bikes, sharing our thoughts, bonding. As I came to know how terribly unhappy he was with his decaying marriage I realized that I believed strongly that he deserved much better, that he deserved the world, and I felt sad that he didn't have that. I did not know that he felt the same way about me that I felt for him. I enjoyed being with him and just having him in my world and I didn't want to endanger that. Everything was brighter, more beautiful, more intense because of him. Nothing was wrong, and everything was right. I was smiling all the time.

It took me a long time to admit how I was feeling. My girl friends all teased me like I was some kind of blind and daft girl who couldn't see the obvious in front of her face. There it was in plain site, Allie was in love, and everyone saw it except me. Or maybe, looking back, it would be more fair to say I didn't think I was allowed see it and feel it, given the circumstances, so I tried to see it as something else instead.

Nothing is harder to bring to light than that which is hidden in plain sight...

It seemed to me then that I had lived so many lives, and yet had not really lived until that moment. I had been lost in a dark place for who knows how long, and when I stretched out my hand, he was there to take it, and he didn’t let go. I had been found.

Eventually I learned that he did love me in return. That long ago day was three years ago, today, Dec 9 2000. The day my world both fell apart and was reborn. The day I became who I was meant to be.

It’s funny that we use the term “falling” when we talk about "falling in love." The "falling" actually occurs once you realize that you are already in love. The falling is an intimate invitation, permission for another person to see your most extreme vulnerabilities in a state of pure trust. It’s a falling into another person, of two becoming one, a spiral into each other that is delirious and mysterious, passionate and consuming, scary and yet ultimately comforting. It’s like finding a safe place where only the two of you can be, a place that can only be with the two of you there together.

Duncan is the only person that, when I look into his eyes, I see myself. And I know I belong there.

So, today is our three year Anniversary. How does it differ from all the rest? Well, we are together now, we are engaged, we are looking towards our future with excitment and anticipation, and we are warm at night.

Duncan, Sweetheart, I love you with every fibre of myself. Thank you for being part of my world, for choosing to share your path with me, for holding my hand on our adventure together. You deserve to be loved unconditionally; you deserve to be cherished as the gift you are; you deserve to be worshipped like a god; and I thank you for letting me have the chance to show you that. You are amazing in every way, my best friend, my lover, my confidant , my support, my correlative.

I love you!

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