Sunday, January 18, 2004

Guest Blogging (across the Blogosphere)

This 'fictional' story written for me by Joel to cheer me up some. Thanks Joel. You're so talented I am jealous!

The Protest That Just Keeps On Not Giving.

"For the three hundred and sixtieth year running, protestors at the University of Alberta have hauled their sorry bones out in front of the administration building in order to ask that the people who they pay to help them out."

"'I just keep laughing when I look at these sorry bozos,' chuckles Ace Holdemall, President of the University, 'I mean, what are they going to do? Go work at McDonald's for the rest of their lives?'"

"'Oops, wait. Yes they are.'"

"Student Union President Simon Schmuck, who organized the "Dress Like A Tree" protest for this year's round of obligatory price gouging disagreed with the President's assessment of the lazy, disaffected student body.”

"'Not all of us are doomed to a life of inadequacy, failure and disappointment. Some of us have quite rich parents.'"

"School officials persist in claiming that tuition hikes are the result of inadequate support from the provincial government. Currently, approximately some percentage of tuition fees are subsidized by the poor and lower-middle class families who can't afford tax attorneys."

"'Why no,' responded a shocked Holdemall, 'my six digit income has little if anything to do with the state of tuition. Some of it comes in the form of kickbacks from parents who need personalized attention for their students yet who can't afford buildings.'"

"Despite the recent balancing of the provincial government's budget by the party in power, there has been uncontrollable growth in budget deficits being run up, not only by post-secondary institutions, but also local school boards, public libraries, and pretty much anyone else who depends on the provincial government for a handout."

"'Pardon me?' asked an only slightly drunk Premier Klein when asked about this state of affairs while hiding in a public toilet. 'I'm sure you have mistaken me for someone else. Besides which, it's all Kyoto's fault."

"School administrators have revealed several plans for the new money that the tuition increase will bring. Some of these include replacing the twist of duct tape that prevent students in the science building from inhaling natural gas while sitting in room 102A and hiring a team of lawyers to hamper faculty association demands for a living wage."

"'We also intend to purchase a decommissioned airliner in order to fly a team of skilled illegal immigrants in each day, to fill part-time jobs on campus' confided Holdemall after the hike announcement. 'Students may need the money, but the faculty is finding it more and more difficult to cope with the half-assed jobs that those drunks tend to do."

"Despite the autocratic nature of the tuition hike process, with no actual input into the process from anyone who doesn't stand to get a pay raise if it goes through, student representatives remain optimistic."

"'I got myself elected into this job by saying that I could do something about tuition hikes,' Schmuck indicated, 'and I intend to foster the illusion that student reps can do something about them so that my buddies on the council can get elected to the next position up next year after I am gone.'"

"'After all,' continued Schmuck, 'if it weren't for this job, I would be stuck working at the A&W and I hear that those guys are way tougher about drinking on the job than student council is.'"

"Splashy, ineffectual student protests are planned for the entire week of the 19th. The Dress Like a Tree protest will be the kickoff, with other events including Paint Yourself Orange Tuesday, Whine like a Bitch Wednesday, the traditional Running of the Nerds out at Engineering A on Thursday and, finally, Get Drunk and Forget About it Friday."

"Students interested in wasting their time by throwing their bodies into the mighty gears of governance in order to be crushed into paste are encouraged to visit the Student Council website at

Read more Joel at Watch without a Watchman !!

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